im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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