I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
