I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
When did angry sex become our thing?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
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