Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
