Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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