Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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