Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
Randomize
