I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
