Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
