Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize