yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
