Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
