I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
