mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
