she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
