i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize