i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
