I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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