Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Randomize
