I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize