I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
