We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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