just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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