just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
