3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
