Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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