This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
