Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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