WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
