Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
