he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
