this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
