I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
