How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
And the cops told us we were all naked.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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