Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
