Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Randomize
