If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
