just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
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