he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
