Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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