YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
