I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
This toilet bowl is my home.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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