a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
