apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
