A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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