Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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