She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
