I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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