I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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