Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
