I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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