I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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