The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
