My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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