I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
