somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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