I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
The best revenge is premature balding
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
