Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize