How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
